My computer has swine flu

Last week my laptop started showing symptoms that it was getting sick. Perhaps a mild head cold, I reasoned. I kept trying to watch my recorded episodes of 16 and Pregnant (oh – did I tell you my computer has a built-in TV tuner? It kind of blows my mind), but every three minutes it would freeze.

So I did what any reasonable computer literate person would do: I watched my show in 3 minute increments and then restarted the shit out of my laptop. And this process was repeated about sixteen times before I finally gave up on learning how Ebony was coping with new motherhood.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend actually is a computer. Any time I have a little computer glitch, he’s always able to immediately tell me how to fix it. He uses words like FTP, ip config, and internet. Meanwhile I daydream about puppies. This sums up our relationship pretty accurately.

So this weekend, I brought my computer to him, fully expecting that within 20 minutes it would be back up to speed, all fixed, ready to be inundated with reality tv. While he checked it out, I went and used his extra desktop computer because I hadn’t looked at Twitter in the past three hours.

La la. I sit down and wait for the computer to boot, check Twitter, check my email, and then the computer froze. Of course it did. Trying not to panic or alert my boyfriend to the fact that I was on a compulsive computer-killing rampage, I simply shut down the computer manually and went on my merry way.

Six hours later, after some mediocre Oggi’s pizza and a game of MarioKart, Jason was still trying to diagnose my laptop. And being the ever-reticent and helpful girlfriend that I am, I decided it was time to go to the other room to check Twitter again. And this is where I need to warn you to hold onto your britches, folks.

When the computer desktop loaded, the picture of the two of us that is normally the background had been replaced with a simple black wallpaper and red letters that said: YOUR COMPUTER HAS SPYWARE. And then something about how my kids and wife were all at risk for something-or-other. I don’t know, while I was trying to ponder who my wife was I was distracted and relieved by an automatic screen that popped up to save the day. It immediately started scannig the computer for the spyware and I kicked back and marvelled at how remarkable computers are.

Jason briefly poked his head in the room, and, well, let’s just say that hindsight is a bitch. He sternly told me to GET UP which is pretty admirable considering I had just nonchalantly installed a virus on his computer. Happy weekend!

Both computers still have the sniffles but seem to be making a speedy recovery (FYI – my computer doesn’t have a virus, just a bad Windows update). But in the meantime, it is probably in your best interest not to let me near your computer.

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Tags: computer virus, computers

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