Why my senior year is awesome so far

• I had no trouble getting to sleep the night before classes started - that’s never happened before.
• I have the biggest room out of the 4 in my apartment.
• I have no obligations to anyone. I finally don’t feel guilty for taking a nap or for not being social.
• I got all the hours I asked for at work.
• I’m seeing Counting Crows next weekend.
• In my first class, the teacher didn’t show up. Another professor dropped off our syllabuses..syllabi? octapi?.. and we were free to go. Quite pleasing.
• Another professor remarked, “I’m very comfortable being awkward in public!”
• And finally. Best News Ever and I’m Not Even Kidding.

                                 

My university finally added Bravo and E! to our cable! I can now be sure to catch the finale of Jo & Slade: Date My Ex! And I can Keep up with the Kardashians and watch the new Rachel Zoe show next week.  Let’s let out a collective sigh, I know you are all relieved.

Finalllyyy

I’m in San Diego! In my apartment! And disgustingly giddy!

The obligatory details: Jason picked me up at the airport on Sunday and of course it took me forever to get my suitcases from baggage claim. When I finally had all my stuff, I headed outside to meet him and our song was playing over the speakers. He had been circling around the terminals to avoid parking, and I almost got aggravated with him because I wanted him to be able to appreciate the irony with me. He finally pulled up, we loaded my stuff in the car, shared a quick hug, and took off… to Jack in the Box! I had quite a strong hankering for a chicken fajita pita.

Things have never been awkward between us, which is something I’m fascinated by - being the Queen of Awkwardness and all, but the first few minutes after we got in the car were completely surreal. He was focused on getting us out of L.A. and I wanted to hold his hand, but for some reason I felt like that would be too forward. So instead I just started poking his arm to make sure he was real. I felt like I was in fifth grade sitting next to the boy I had a crush on. We finally got to have a real hug in the Jack in the Box parking lot, and wow, this whole paragraph is basically summing up our relationship. I am so glad to be back in his presence. We just fit.

I had to exert labor on Labor Day. Meaning Jason and I drove to San Diego and I watched him carry boxes of clothes I forgot I had up three flights of stairs. And then I watched him hook up my TV and new printer. I had to lie down while he did all that, it was so exhausting. I still haven’t unpacked the majority of my stuff, but I have the internet and my new Real Simple magazine, so I’m feeling good.

Oh, a short anecdote: I conveniently left all of my toiletries and makeup at Jason’s house, including my toothbrush, anti-freak-out medication, mascara, and flat iron. But gosh, at least I made sure to bring my camping flashlight!

Anyway, I have one more class today and then a lot of blogs to catch up on. I secretly love the first week of school. There are few joys in life that can compare to the joy of going through and marking important dates on my calendar. Well, you know, other than finally being on the same coast as my boyfriend.

No.

See that guy in blue? The non-Asian one? Yeah. He’s gone and done it. Someone get me back to California ASAP so I can remedy this.

(PS - to my knowledge, this atrocity has been chopped off, but still. I think there may be a problem when you have to rely on your significant other to keep your facial hair in line.)

‘Cause the love will come-a-rumblin’ through

    Just call me Queen Nostalgia. Cleaning out my grandma’s things has led me to uncover a plethora of childhood memories and things that I never knew about my family.

    My main project has been going through hundreds - probably thousands - of boxes of old photographs, letters, and various memorabilia. It’s crazy to see black and white pictures of my grandma and grandfather back when they were dating. I find myself putting dozens aside to keep for myself, but the goal is to get them all scanned and then organized somehow.

    Last night I found a tape my grandma had been telling me about. I was afraid that I would never find it because we just have so much stuff of hers still stashed in boxes. But luckily I came across it, and after a brief period of trying to locate a godforsaken tape player in our house, I was listening to my 5-year-old self sing the ABC’s, Jingle Bells, and everyone’s favorite worship song, “You Can’t Put Jesus’ Love In a Box,” among others. I had to laugh because it was recorded in March and I sang at least two Christmas carols. My timing has always been a little off. Also - WOW. I had a sweet little Texas twang.

    Anyway, my grandpa helped me record the tape for my grandma who was sick at the time. At the end of it, you can hear him whispering to me to say, “I hope you get well soon, and remember that I love you very much.” He died when I was 7 so I had forgotten what his voice sounded like. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, probably because I’m having to go through every blessed thing he owned - and wondering what our relationship was really like. Sure, everyone tells me (and pictures prove) that he adored me, but actually hearing the love in his voice is priceless. After each song, he interjects by saying, “Well, that was lovely! The next selection is…” I am so, so glad I have that tape.

Home.

As evidenced by previous posts, sometimes I agonize over coming home. Since my grandma has been sick, Dallas has not been one of the most pleasant places. But for some reason, after stepping off the airplane yesterday, all I could think was it’s really nice to be here.

I got in early enough so that my mom and I went out to eat, and then we visited my grandma. Those few hours that I spend with her are completely indescribable. I have changed my way of thinking, and it has made all the difference. Instead of being freaked out by her condition and worrying that soon she won’t be here, I’m able to simply look at the situation as an outsider. And I see three generations sitting in a nursing home room filled with so much love. Sometimes I’m sitting there stroking her arm and I’m absolutely taken back by how beautiful these moments are. It is the purest form of love I’ve experienced.

Ahem. I seem to keep going off on these tangents.

So, yes, I’m back at home and I am making myself enjoy it. Soon it will be back to the grind of classes and work, and I know I’ll long for these days of sitting around the house with my fat, deaf dog. I’m not sure I’ll miss this hellacious heat, though. Holy moley.

Well that was a doozy

I’m still trying to figure out this whole blogging thing. You know, the typical “how much to share” issues. Sometimes I look back and think my blog sounds a little schizophrenic. One day I’m writing about hugging penguins, and the next I’m unleashing my innermost thoughts about grief. Weee! Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster that is my life.

It’s hard to find the balance between writing about lighthearted, fun things and actually taking the time to sit down and write something heartfelt. But I’ve decided that I do want to chronicle the more serious aspects of my life. I admire openness and vulnerability in others, so I’m making a choice to try to emulate those qualities. There are so many things that weigh on my mind, and sharing them here is cathartic. I just hope I’m not coming off as a freak show. Hi, I’m self conscious. Embrace me.

Because I can’t say it out loud

One day at the beginning of the summer before I left California, Jason and I went out to eat for lunch. I had been feeling this dull sense of dread for a few weeks about returning home to Dallas, but for the most part I felt I was doing a good job at keeping those feelings at bay. What is more accurate, actually, is that I am a pro at denial. I can drown out the unpleasant things on my mind by keeping busy with mindless activities – watching TV, losing myself in books, focusing on schoolwork, etc. Some of the things in my head are so subconsciously terrifying to me that when I finally realize my avoidance issues have been operating in full force, the problems seem that much more overwhelming. And thus the cycle of clarity to recognition to blocking-everything-the-frick-out continues.

 

On the day that we drove around searching for a place to eat, I was feeling so awful. Jason thought that I was angry with him and that I just needed to eat, but the reality was that the only thing I could think was, “My grandmother is in a nursing home bed and she is probably going to die this summer.” That sentence – and the fact that I was finally able to admit it to myself – repeated over and over. Part of me was thankful that my mind was able to acknowledge what was really going on, and the other was so scared that I was finally at that stage. Holding out hope for my grandma’s healthy recovery had been so simple. Being able to finally recognize that she is slowly slipping away is indescribable.

 

This pain is dull and continuous. It’s with me every moment, and while I’ve been able to enjoy my summer – I certainly don’t go through my days thinking “woe is me,” (okay, well, maybe sometimes) – I can’t avoid knowing that on Sunday I’ll be on a plane back to Dallas. Back to trying to comfort my sweet mom who visits her at least once day, back to pressing the back of my hand to my grandmother’s face as I try to soothe her, back to trying to keep my shit together so that I can be as helpful as possible.

 

I try to keep this all in context. I have to remember that yes, she had a stroke, and for the first week it looked like she would never regain consciousness. My mom and my sister had to have conversations about whether or not to put her on life support. But by some miracle, she got slightly better, and for the past 9 months we’ve been able to talk to her, to laugh with her and try to make her as comfortable as possible. I know many people in our situation are not so lucky. Still, I am struggling.

 

I was not able to verbalize to Jason what was wrong over our meal at Chili’s. I wanted to so badly. I tried telling him that it was nothing he had done, that I was just having a hard time. I didn’t want to have a meltdown over my chicken caesar pita, so I figured I’d wait until we got back in the car to discuss it. But my jaw just locked up and would not let the words come out. They were swirling around in my head, tormenting me, but I could not say them. I still can’t. Luckily, he knows me well enough that he understood to just hold me.

 

This has been such an up-and-down journey. It seems like I got a call one night delivering the news, then she was okay – so okay that she sang me happy birthday, then she was losing weight rapidly and we tried to prepare for the worst, and this summer she has been relatively stable. She uses a calendar I bought her and has marked the day that I come home.

 

I wish that I wasn’t mentally in the same place that I was at the beginning of the summer in terms of my grief. I am so thankful that she is still with us, but I’m not prepared for what is still to come. I unable to verbalize any of this; like most things, I can only try to make sense of it in writing. I have this heartbreaking blessing of being able to tell my grandma I love her, that I will name my daughter after her, that she has made my life so much better, and realizing that it may be the last time I’m able to say these things to her. It is the best and worst situation I have ever been put in. But at least she knows.

Things that are awesome

• My new found love of baking
• Being done with summer school
• “Working from home” AKA sleeping in
• Nastia Liukin (homegirl lives in Dallas, woo!)

• Realizing that I graduate in less than 300 days
• The new Jack’s Mannequin album coming out next month
• Watching the Olympics and simultaneously reading magazines every night
• My 14-year-old dog

• Baskin Robbin’s mint chocolate chip ice cream
• Not paying rent this summer
• Buying textbooks online instead of at the bookstore
• Finding new and interesting blogs
• These pictures that my childhood best friend Anita recently showed me

• Deciding to try on a pair of jeans and having them fit perfectly
• Wondering what my life will be like in a year
• Regaining some of the French I’d forgotten
• Costco
• Taking awkward pictures

(being a T-rex at my sister’s wedding shower)

• Realizing that everything is okay and calm at the moment
• Booking my flight home on Southwest and avoiding the nonsense fees for checked bags

Almost two and a half years of bliss

Alternate titles for this entry that I considered: “Want to deck him,” “The definition of dysfunction,” and “April Fools Day, 4 Months Late.”

As I’m sure many of you know - as it works its way into almost anything I write - my boyfriend and I have been apart the whole summer. On opposite coasts. Struggling with a 3 hour time difference. It has not brought out the best in us. This past week has been especially hard as he’s been stressed at work and I just want him to talk about how much he misses me, even though he’s on the phone with co-workers and trying to fix other problems. I’m annoying, I know.

So here’s a glimpse into one of the ways that I dare say we reconciled… It’s a little lengthy, but I’d like to think it’s worth it. I’m anxiety-prone and extremely gullible, and they’re clearly not my most becoming traits. But they do make for a good laugh.. After my heart continues beating. Enjoy!

Jason (5:53:23 PM): I got a phone call today from INS

me: which is

Jason: la megra

Jason: the people that do citizen stuff

Jason: it turns out that I was born in Mexico when my mom was visiting my grandpas sister (lupa I think) and she was too busy to process the paperwork so it turns out I’m not a real citizen

me: huh

me: you’re kidding

Jason: I wish I was

me: you were born in mexico?

Jason: and therefore I’m not a citizen, yes

me: I thought you knew where you were born

Jason : all she had to do was process the paperwork when she came back

Jason: I was told I was born in Fullerton, but it’s a lie

Jason: they just said “oh this is close”

me: was your dad there?

Jason: well, mom went down to Mexico because they were on “hiatus”

me: that’s a pretty big thing to lie about

Jason: well at least I do know that dad IS the father

Jason : but now Beckey on the other hand…. that could be questionable

me: are you serious

Jason: well look how fast she was conceived

Jason : she was actually late, she would have been less than a year younger than me

me: so your mom had you in Mexico and brought you back here, or what?

Jason : pretty much

me: I’m confused dear

Jason: then dad and mom got back together, but I’m not sure about the timing, it could have been a month after I was born, it could have been 4

Jason: and they got back together to raise “us”

Jason: then 4 years later it fell apart again

me: why did she never say anything

me: and how did INS suddenly find out

Jason: well they told me that I am really an identity thief, so I guess my parents bought my social security card when I was 15, so I could get my license and stuff

me: WHAT

me: are you kidding

Jason: I’m afraid not

Jason: they are making steps to deport me

me: no

me: I don’t believe you

Jason: why not

me: that doesn’t sound real

Jason: I think there’s a plausible chance

me: they want to deport you?

Jason: well the identity theft thing is a felony, they can either deport me, or throw me in jail

me: dear are you kidding

Jason: I need to brush up on my spanish

me: dear..

Jason: yes?

me: I don’t think this is funny

Jason: yes you do

me: dear..

Jason : i thought you needed to hear a story

Jason: i can’t believe how believable i made that sound

Jason: i thought you’d be smiling

me: went on for 15 minutes too long

Jason (6:10:37 PM):

you kept asking questions

The details are what got me… Doesn’t that sound a little believable at first? And his comments that he “wishes he was” kidding made me think he was serious. He only says that, so I thought, when he means business.

New hairs

Got a new haircut today. Kinda likin’ it.

I have about a week left in Philadelphia. It’s kind of bittersweet. I’ve been counting down the days all summer, but I’m really going to miss hanging out and being dumb with my sister. It’s kind of sad to think that this will probably be the last time that we live together.

Anyway, tomorrow we’re heading to Atlantic City, New Jersey to flit around. Seeing different cities this summer has made me want to go everywhere. It doesn’t help that I have to listen to my sister and brother-in-law plan trips to Spain and Iceland. The travel bug is infectious. I just want to see and do and have adventures. And take bad-quality pictures. Anyone interested in joining me?