FML

When I started seeing people end their sentences with “FML” on Twitter, I couldn’t figure out what it meant for the life of me. “Freaking Macaroni Lady?” Yeah, those women can be pretty rowdy. “Farting Moose Lives?” Hooray, I was worried about that gaseous animal! “Fleecing My Llama?” Good, it’s winter time.

Crazy enough, the same sequence of events occurred when everyone started saying “FTW,” too, but that’s another story.

Anyway, it turns out that FML stands for Fuck My Life. SURPRISE! Don’t tell me I never gave you anything. People use this phrase when they are feeling downtrodden.  Here are some of my favorites, taken from fmylife.com, a website where people can submit their reasoning for why their life sucks, and others vote whether their life really is sucky or if they’re just being a chump. Does anyone say “chump” any more? Am I being PC? Oh well. Gosh, I’m getting distracted. Back to the gloom of everyday life:

• Today, I was doing homework in my room when my roommate started meowing all of a sudden. Not only was he meowing, he started to make loud cat noises that resembled a cat being run over by a car. He’s gonna be my roommate for the rest of the year. FML

• Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

• Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn’t let him sleep. FML

And I had one of my own FML experiences today, although probably not as freaking hilarious as the above people’s misfortunes. Lately I’ve become a bit obsessed with crafting, partly because I am actually 65 years old. Seriously, though, the other night my boyfriend and I went to Borders on a Saturday night and I sat in the craft section reading Martha Stewart’s Encyclopedia of Crafts. Wait, I could have just made that into a FML submission: “Spent my Saturday night with my boyfriend learning how to make paper birds. FML.” Except I really enjoy it, so it’s okay and not at all loser-ish. And yes, I ended up buying the book.

So this evening I was in Michael’s scouring the store for supplies I need to make some of my Christmas gifts. It takes me approximately three minutes to decide whether or not to buy ANY item – it’s one of my charms – and I had about fifteen items in my cart, so I had been in the store at least 45 minutes. Add another 15 minutes for the other five items I had either decided not to buy or had painstakingly put back on the shelf, and I figure I had been wandering the aisles for a good hour. Finally, I made my Triumphant Walk to the cash register, and my cheeks were probably a little flushed from all the pacing I had been doing – not to mention from the shrill joy I knew I’d be experiencing as I unwrapped my brand new hot glue gun later that night.

So he rang up my items, commented about the awful Christmas music he’d been listening to all day, and took my cash. And RIGHT as he was typing in the amount to the computer so that I could get my change, my FML moment came to fruition.

The power went out.

In the whole store.

And all the traffic lights were out.

He gave me back my money as the register drawer hadn’t yet opened. And we waited a few minutes as the elderly ladies and moms with annoying children scurried about in the darkness. He had even already packed my reusable bag with all of my stuff! I reflected on my mortality and my future afterlife as I contemplated just putting my bag around my shoulder and fleeing. “Hell will be a blast!” I thought.

Blurgh. The power did not come back on, and I was ushered out of the store. I did not steal the merchandise I had so bonded with. I still had my $30, but gosh darnit, I really did not want to leave without my cardstock and styrofoam balls. Now I’ll have to go again tomorrow night and try to retrace my steps. FML. Life can be so unfair.

It stanks in hurr

I AM TOTALLY LOOPY! I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND! The world does not seem real at this point!

I got a text message on Sunday night: “Office is flooded, wear comfortable clothes,” it said. Huh, I thought, sure. I had heard that it had – gasp – rained on Saturday, so I chalked it up to something small. And she was out of town until Tuesday, so I didn’t want to send her a long, inquiring text back asking for all the details. I’m still relatively new and trying to convince these people I’m normal.

But holy moley, fast forward to three days later and that whole “normal” idea is a joke. It’s amazing how quickly you reveal your true colors when stuck in a room with two other people for eight hours a day.

Long story short – our office is a disaster zone. We share a wall with the company next door, and their hot water heater burst or flooded or did whatever water heaters aren’t supposed to do. And it was so bad that it completely soaked all of the offices (including mine!) on that side of our building.

The other side of our office is much better off, so I’ve had to temporarily relocate my computer and phone to the conference room. Which I’m now sharing with two other people.

There have been air blowers on constantly, making it sound like I’ve been in an airplane hangar for the past three days. There have also been numerous workers drilling various holes, removing dry wall, and other strange shit I don’t understand. Imagine trying to talk to customers on the phone and thinking up a tactful way to say, “Sir, kindly ignore that intense jack hammer sound in the background.”

There are ethernet wires and surge protectors everywhere, on top of all of the blowers and occasional sawing which I’m pretty sure has given me a permanent tick. Cheers!

I’m moving to Chicago ASAP and no you can’t stop me

Behold, my favorite moments of the trip:

Drinking at Second City and laughing so hard I started to sound like a donkey

Coming across this gigantic statue of one of my favorite farmer couples

Waking up early to go Black Friday shopping with my sister, even though all we did was try on obscure head accessories

But we kept shopping anyway

Going to the aquarium to bond with my buds

Forgetting my sunglasses

Finally getting to see the bean in person

And taking awkward pictures with it

And last, but definitely not least, doing my t-rex arms in public.

I have a college degree but can’t pack a suitcase to save my life

I’m going to Chicago for Thanksgiving.

I’ll be gone Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

For those of you playing along at home, that is four days. Ninety-six hours.

I rationally know that that is a pretty short time. Add in two flights and it’s even shorter. Yet tonight I still found myself sitting on my bedroom floor surrounded by 18 sweaters, ten shirts, six pairs of socks (including one with Christmas trees on them), and three scarves.  Apparently I plan to wear 4.3 sweaters at one time or do several costume changes, I’m not sure. I guess it’s just comforting to have the option.

Also, considering that I sweat profusely when flying, I figure it can’t hurt to bring my whole wardrobe.

Since I live far from my family, I travel pretty regularly. You would think that I would get used to packing lightly. The truth, though, is that I’ve never really had to put much thought into packing until recently.

Packing too many clothes was never a problem until about a year ago when The Worst Thing In The World came into existence: Bag checking fees. Don’t get me started. No way am I going to pay an extra $20, so now I either have to a) Go naked or b) Spend time thinking about which clothes I will actually need.

Uggg, Charlie Brown. I suppose this is an important life skill to have, as I aspire for world domination and I’m sure that involves a hefty amount of travel, but for right now it sucks. And it cuts in to my time of watching Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.

 

(Happy Thanksgiving!)

Mine

What are two positive things that happened to you today? I was a minute early for work (lately I’ve been five minutes late), and I played with a rascally puppy. Also, for the first time in more than a week, I didn’t feel sick. Meaning I didn’t snot on myself in public, which is for some reason frowned upon.

What are you looking forward to? I’m looking forward to making pumpkin WHOOPIE PIES for my work Thanksgiving party this Friday. Although I’ve been calling them “pumpkin spice cakes” around the office because I can’t say WHOOPIE PIES without announcing it just like that – in all caps, and with jazz hands. Also looking forward to: going to Chicago next week and hanging out with my sister.

What websites are you loving? Supermarket, Regretsy, and Mighty Girl.

What do you want to learn? I want to brush up on my French. I want to learn how to do calligraphy. I want to learn about photography. I want to learn how to cook. And I want to learn my left from my right.

What do you want for Christmas? I would really love it if my family and friends made a charitable donation instead of buying me stuff this year. I already have everything I need, and more.

F U N

In an effort to try to battle my ongoing work vs. life seesaw balance game, I’m looking for ways to re-energize myself. I’m feeling particularly ambitious after my rough patch a week or so ago. I hate being a Negative Nancy so I’m trying to take an active role in finding more fun in my days.

So, some questions for you. Feel free to answer any or all, and I’ll respond later with my own answers.

What are two positive things that happened to you today?

What are you looking forward to?

What websites are you loving?

What do you want to learn?

What do you want for Christmas?

I am a pro scuba diver

Guess what? Scuba diving is fun!

I liked it! I didn’t drown!

I wrote a while ago about how I was a bit anxious to try scuba diving, but, like most things I try, I completely excelled at it.

Besides the beginning part, where my goggles squeezed my brain and I was a bit too buoyant and I had to have extra weights added onto me so I would sink in the four feet of water. And then when I discovered that laughing with a regulator in your mouth is probably not the best decision and I choked for a panic-inducing thirty seconds. Yes, ignoring all of that, I’m pretty sure I’m ready for my first deep-sea dive!

In the meantime, I may need to brush up on my sunscreen application skills.

On being a Southern California celebrity

As many of you know, I was supremely addicted to Mario Kart Wii earlier this year. So much so, in fact, that I would find myself strategizing about launching turtle shells at slow cars when I was driving on the freeway. It became a little unhealthy, much like my Harry Potter craze a few years ago when I would walk outside and see a black dog and swear that Sirius Black was in my neighborhood. Maybe you didn’t need to know all that.

Also, as you may know, I get Very Into Holidays. So naturally, I had my Halloween costume picked out in July.

Every time I play Mario Kart, I am always Luigi, so it was a no-brainer that that’s who I would be. And my boyfriend, Jason, was a very good sport in assuming Mario’s role even though he’s not much of a fan of wearing red.

I wore my costume to work on Friday, and let me just tell you: there’s nothing quite speaking with a customer on the phone who has no idea that the person they’re speaking to on the other line is wearing adult-size overalls and a mustache.

We visited a local mall on Halloween and felt like local celebrities. The lady who took this picture had actually just excitedly run up to us to ask if she could get a picture with us, and we got accosted by a group of 12-year-olds in Target who wanted pictures with us as well. We gave them bunny ears.

A couple of people also did the oh-I’m-just-taking-a-picture-of-this-tree-you’re standing-behind nonsense because they were too shy to ask us to pose for them. There’s no telling how many awkward pictures of us there are on the internet. I’m just happy I was wearing gloves so I can rest assured that I was probably not caught picking my nose.

Highlights: an old lady in Target who giggled at us, a trick-or-treater who specifically asked if Luigi “could hand her the candy,” and the fact that Jason’s overalls were Osh Kosh.

Grumpalupagus

I am not in a good place these days. I can’t quiet my mind and it does not make being around me very fun. I suppose I never realized how skilled I am at burying emotions, and it seems like all of a sudden they are all competing for my energy.

To combat this funk, I am trying to search for positivity. I wish I could tell you about my trial run of scuba diving, or how I went to a petting zoo that had guinea pigs this weekend, but it all seems rather inconsequential right now. It’s annoying not to be able to shake this feeling.

I apologize for being vague. Please send me a hug. I’ll try to write soon.

The Amanda of five years ago is cringing

While I was home in Dallas, my sister, brother-in-law, and I went cowboy boot shopping.

Eeeerrrrrrsh. Whoa. That was the sound of the bus backing-the-freak-up.

Y’all, I have no idea what’s come over me.

You see, I went to college out of state for a reason. I wanted nothing more to do with Texas, I had had quite enough of the Southern drawls, the hellish summers, and the fact that I graduated high school with a class full of Republicans (Me? Judgmental?  Absolutely!)

I turned my nose up at people who said “y’all” and wore cowboy boots. When I moved to California and people were surprised that I didn’t have an accent, I was flattered.

But now? I find myself truly wishing for an accent, contemplating interjecting Texas jargon into my everyday conversations. I go cowboy boot shopping and wonder what outfits I’d pair them with. I proudly announce that I’m from Texas and give recommendations on what to do there.

And I’m not even ashamed of it.